It’s been almost four months now, since our miscarriage. It feels like longer.
Looking back at all that’s happened, I don’t feel traumatized or scarred by the experience. I feel like God, along with the prayers and love of friends and family, sustained and carried me through a difficult time. I do wish things had turned out differently, but they didn’t, and I’m at peace with that.
I remember the days of toward the end of my pregnancy very well. All the emotions – sadness, hope, panic, fear, frustration, and confusion to name a few. I also remember moments. The moment I first suspected something was wrong. The moment we had to tell our family. The moment the doctor confirmed that what I was experiencing was a miscarriage.
During the day leading up to one particular moment, we had been to the doctor. This was our third trip and they still couldn’t really tell us anything definite. Based on my first round of blood work, it seemed everything might be ok, but they wouldn’t really know until the next day when we got the results from my second round of blood work. We left feeling cautiously hopeful. But as the day went on, my body was giving me more and more signs that we were about to miscarry and by the time I went to bed it seemed unlikely that I would be pregnant for much longer.
As I lay in bed unable to sleep that night, I prayed. In that moment, holding on to the last little bit of hope, I prayed for God to save our baby. I prayed for Him to fix whatever was causing my symptoms. I prayed that He would let me keep this child. Then it struck me that our baby may already be in heaven. Usually the baby passes away days or weeks before the miscarriage actually occurs. So at
that thought I prayed that God would send our baby back from heaven and tell him/her it wasn’t time yet. No sooner had I prayed my new prayer then I realized that if our baby was in heaven, maybe I didn’t want God to send him/her back. I mean, what more could a mother want for her child than for them to experience the ultimate joy and peace that is only available in heaven? But oh, how my heart ached at the thought of not getting to hold him/her…
For hours these thoughts and prayers flowed through my mind and up to God. As my mind settled, I thought about all the mothers throughout history who had prayed those same prayers, and had those same thoughts, and felt those same feelings, as they endured a miscarriage. During this confusing, agonizing time, I knew I was in good company. As I thought about what the next few days and weeks were likely going to be like, the knowledge that others had been here too, gave me strength.
I was pregnant. I carried a little life inside of me. I love my baby and endured pain and loss when he/she died. And I look forward to meeting him/her one day in heaven.
In the meantime, even while I carry this burden and bear this sadness, I will live. I will continue to love and to feel both joy and sadness. I will look forward to meeting him/her in heaven for the rest of my life, but I will also treasure every day on earth. I don’t know if I will ever stop feeling sad about the miscarriage. Maybe. But in the meantime my sadness will co-exist with all the rest of life-the good and the bad.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and tomorrow, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I again think of all the mothers – and fathers and grandparents and families – who have lost a little one. My heart hurts for those of you who’s wounds are the newest. I pray that God will give you strength and comfort, as He did and continues to do for me.
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9