I sometimes have trouble admitting when I mess up.  I’m a perfectionist.  I pride myself in being trustworthy and dependable so my first reaction is to cover up my mistake.  I rationalize that what’s done is done and no one really needs to know about it.  I tell myself it’s best to just do what I can to minimize the damage and move forward, that no one needs to know.  I worry that if people know that I messed up, I will no longer be considered trustworthy in their eyes.

But then I feel guilty, knowing that I really should be upfront and honest. I know I shouldn’t be trying to project an image of perfection.  I also become nervous that someone will somehow find out that I messed up and confront me about it.  I know that to have peace, I must be open, honest, and transparent but it’s hard.

I tell myself that no one is perfect.  I remind myself that I don’t expect perfection out of others, and when they mess up I don’t think less of them.  I understand that things happen, people forget, and mistakes are made.   Telling myself these things really doesn’t help much though.  For some reason I don’t believe that other people think that way too…at least when it comes to thinking about me.

I know that logically, this makes no sense.  I also know that some of you out there are totally getting what I’m saying because you think the same way. 

A couple of weeks ago, I forgot to do something that I had told someone I would do.  I was supposed complete a specific task once every week.  I completed the task for a few weeks and then one week, I forgot.  It just completely slipped my mind.  By the time I remembered, it was days later and too late.

My first reaction was to think of how I could keep anyone from finding out.  If people knew I forgot to do something, they’d surely think me untrustworthy of ever being given a task again, right?  No, not really, but that’s how I felt.  I knew that I should just tell the person who’d given me the task that I’d forgotten but the thought of it made me so nervous.

I came across these verses while reading the Bible:

You have committed adultery on the mountaintops by worshiping idols…you have …worshipe[ed] them instead of me….But whoever trusts in me will possess the land and inherit my holy mountain….I live in that high and holy place with those who are contrite and humble.  I refresh the humble and give new courage to those with repentant hearts. (Isaiah 57: 7-8, 13b, 15)

By hiding my mistake and trying to save my dependable and trustworthy reputation, I was actually putting my image-what others thought of me-before God.  If I were to hide my mistake I would be disobeying God in order to preserve my image.

If I do what God asks of me and trust him to take care my image, God says I will “possess the land and inherit His holy mountain.”  In today’s terms this means I will get the good things God intends for me to have–including His peace, which I definitely won’t have when I’m trying to hide things.

God says that He lives with those who are humble and I definitely want to live and be where God is.

In the end, it all comes down to trusting God, and not having control over everything all the time. 

This reminds me of a quote I read recently.

The almost impossibly hard thing is to hand over your whole self to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are all trying to do instead.  For what we are trying to do is remain what we call “ourselves”—our personal happiness centered on money or pleasure or ambition—and hoping, despite this, to behave honestly and chastely and humbly.  And that is exactly what Christ warned us you cannot do.  –C.S. Lewis

In case you were wondering, yes, I did tell that person that I forgot and it was no big deal.  They weren’t shocked or alarmed.  They didn’t decide to give the task to someone else.  It was no big deal and I felt peace because I’d been truthful.

Thank You, Jesus.

To read “Cruise Anxiety – Part 1″ click  here.

Prior to leaving on the trip, I talked with my psychiatrist about my fears concerning the cruise.  At the time, I was already taking Xanax XR twice a day.  He wrote me a prescription for the “regular” Xanax and said I could take it, in addition to my doses of the XR,  if I felt panicky.  He said that it would begin working in about 5 minutes.  That did help put my mind at ease.

Despite the fact that the Costa Concordia accident had happened only the month before our cruise, I was only a little nervous about our ship sinking.  My worst case scenario was that I’d get on board the boat, past the point of no return, and have crazy anxiety the whole trip with panic attack after panic attack and there would be nothing I could do to escape it.  That’s the crazy fear-of-fear cycle that those of us with panic disorder know all too well.  I was afraid, that I would be afraid (anxious).  Having the extra Xanax gave me some peace of mind knowing that if my worst case scenario seemed to be coming true, I had something that would work to calm me down.  That being said, I did not want to use it any more than was really necessary.

To my surprise, on the morning we were to fly out, I was relatively calm.  I sat in the airport getting ready to board the plane, waiting for the anxiety to come, but it didn’t.  I had no problems with the flight.

The next morning at the hotel I woke up with a migraine so I had to take some Excedrine, which always makes me jittery.  But even with the Excedrine, I felt minimal anxiety as we boarded the bus and drove to the port.  I was nervous, but not panicky.  It helped that we were on the bus with a bunch of the other Christian couples who were in the Couples of Promise group.  They were friendly and talkative, keeping me occupied.

Throughout the boarding process I made sure to take slow deep breaths, and tried to keep talking with people.  Fortunately, boarding only took about an hour and did not leave much time for me to get nervous.  We were busy going through metal detectors and showing our ID to people.  During the time when we were waiting in line, I kept my mind busy observing all that was happening around me.

Before I knew it I was about to cross the “bridge” that connected land and sea.  When I stepped foot off the other side of that bridge, I would be on board the ship. Although we were still going to be docked for a few more hours, to get off the boat at that point would be a major security issue so basically, once I stepped off that bridge,  I would be stuck committed.

I admit it, right before I stepped on to the bridge, I popped a Xanax.  After I took it I felt better immediately–I mean, I felt better right that second.  I believe that happened for 2 reasons, neither of them having anything to do with the medication itself.  First, I knew that if I did have a panic attack, help was already on the way (the meds) and that made me feel less anxious.  Second, when I stepped off the other side of the bridge and on to the ship, there was so much to do!  Rob helped keep my mind occupied by skipping dancing excitedly walking to our room and pointing out every interesting thing that we saw along the way-and there were a lot of cool things.

Our first look at the “Royale Prominade”

First, we checked out our room.  Once that was done, we decided that we would dive right into vacation mode.  We changed into our swim suites and went to find those fancy hot tubs we’d read about.  We chatted with people in the hot tub.  Everyone was so happy and excited that it really put me at ease.  We had so much discovering to do that there was plenty to keep me occupied.  We watched the “sail away party, found the ice rink, the casino, the dining room, the café, the wave rider, the rock climbing wall, the mini golf course, the arcade, and the many lounges.  I invested myself fully in experiencing as much as I could that first day and night and I really had a good time.  The only other moment where I felt the beginnings of some panicky-feelings was when we actually started pulling away from the land.  We did watch for a few minutes, then returned to all the festivities aboard.

So Long Florida!

The rest of the week was really wonderful.  In Haiti, which was our first port of call, we decided not to do any excursions and just enjoy visiting the various beaches and shops.  At the rest of the ports Rob and I chose excursions that were not likely to aggravate my anxiety too much.  Mainly that meant that we avoided tours with long bus or boat rides.

4-Wheeling

We rode four wheelers in Jamaica, rode bicycles in Grand Cayman, and rode Segways and snorkeled in Cozumel.  All were great.

I did have a few moments where I felt anxious.  There was only one other occasion where I decided to take a Xanax.  The rest of the time, when I felt anxiety rising up inside of me, I was able to use breathing techniques and other “tricks” I’d developed to keep calm.  Overall, my anxiety wasn’t nearly as bad as I’d imagined it would be.

Looking back, I am so glad that I didn’t miss this trip because of my fear of having anxiety.  I had a wonderful time.  It was challenging for me, but it was also fun and even relaxing.  I felt stronger and more confident afterwards because I went on the cruise even though I was afraid.

There were specific things that I think really helped me to avoid a lot of possible anxiety.  I’ll share some of that in my next post.

In closing, let me show you some of the great memories we made on this trip.

Day 2 Sunset From Our Balcony

On Shore in Haiti

Getting Hydrated With Some Fresh Coconut Juice

So. Relaxing.

Grand Cayman-So Beautiful.

Feel the breeze.

A year ago today, Rob and I were scheduled to leave home, get on a plane, fly to Florida, board a ship, and take our very first cruise.  Everyone kept telling me how amazing it would be.  They said I wouldn’t want to come back.  They said that once you went on a cruise once, you had to go again.  A couple of my friends described cruises as “addicting”.

Our itinerary included one night in a Florida hotel prior to boarding the ship.  In the morning, we’d take a bus to the port, board the ship, and over the next 7 days we would visit Haiti, Jamaica, Grand Cayman, and Cozumel, finally docking back in Florida so we could be rushed by bus back to the airport and fly back home.  We would spend a total of 8 nights away from home.  Long enough to really enjoy ourselves and relax.  I love being on vacation.

So why was I nervous?  In the months leading up to our scheduled departure, I bounced back and forth between excited anticipation and nervous….dread.  It sounds horrible and ungrateful to say it but it’s true.

The cruise we were scheduled for was called the “Couples of Promise” cruise.  It’s a cruise for Christian married couples.  We would not only get to enjoy the whole cruise experience-the shows, the food, the pools, the ports, the excursions, the wave rider, etc. we’d also get to hear Christian singer Steve Green, Christian Speaker Dr. Kevin Leman, and Christian Comedian Phil Callaway.  Sounds great, right?

And, to top it all off, the cruise was a gift from my wonderful mom. She basically gave us an all-expenses-paid vacation to paradise.  Rob and I had talked about going on a cruise since before we were married (during times when I wasn’t having anxiety problems) but always ended up being practical and opting for a more affordable vacation.  It was definitely something on our “We-Have-To-Do-This-Someday” list.

Now here we were, face-to-face with a FREE CRUISE.  Obviously we couldn’t turn it down.  But even on the day that I excitedly accepted the gift, I was simultaneously thinking, “HOW IN THE WORLD AM I GOING TO DO THIS?!?!”

You see, in addition to my general, no-specific-reason-for-it-anxiety, I have two anxiety triggers.  One of them is throwing up (or being around someone throwing up) and the other is being in a place or situation I can’t get out of.  Both of these anxiety triggers were likely to come up while on the cruise.

The throwing up, well, I think it’s pretty obvious how that could be triggered.  We’ve all heard horror stories of vacations ruined by motion sickness or that stomach bug that seems especially prevalent on cruise ships.

And as for the second issue, can you think of any way I was going to get off of that cruise ship on the 40 hour trip from Florida to our first port in Haiti?  There would be a full day with NO LAND IN SIGHT.  Talk about “stuck.”  And before I could even set foot on the cruise ship, there was the airplane to think about.  Oh, and let’s not forget the bus.  :-/

Needless to say, it was a little (ok a lot) nerve-wracking.  I actually though about not going but aside from the part that I already mentioned (you know, the once in a lifetime, all expenses paid vacation part), there was also the feeling that if I didn’t go, my anxiety would “win”.  I saw this as an opportunity to show my anxiety that it didn’t control my life.  (Or more accurately, to show the one who would like to use my anxiety to keep me from the good things God has in store for me that he is not in control-but you can read this post for more on that subject.)

I’ve learned from experience, that the more I give in to my anxiety and give it control over my life, the stronger it gets.   If I let it stop me from doing something once, I can be pretty sure that the next time around it will be even harder to make myself to do it.  But if I face the situation, even though I’m afraid, and I do it anyways, then next time it’s (often) a little easier.  I knew that if I could do this cruise, it would weaken anxiety’s hold over my life just a little bit more.

So now you all are wondering, “Did she go?”  “Was it wonderful—Or horrible?”  “Did she freak out?  Throw up? Have a panic attack?”

Well….I look forward to telling you.  Tomorrow.    This post is getting a little long and I’ve got lots of details to tell you.

You can look forward to hearing Part 2 of “Cruise Anxiety” tomorrow. 

Click here for “Cruise Anxiety – Part 2“

Are panic attacks caused by spiritual warfare? 

What about depression?  General anxiety?  Mood disorders?  Bi-polar disorder?  ADD?  Those are complicated questions and ones that actually, I’m NOT going to talk about today.

The reason I’m NOT going to talk about that is because regardless of what the cause was; Satan will see these disorders as a possible opportunity for him to get a hold on you, your mind, and your life.

One of the most powerful ways to guard yourself against Satan’s sneaky ways is to speak God’s truth.–And to speak it out loud.

In Ephesians 6:11 the Bible tells us to “Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.”  This passage gives us information about the resources we as believers have that will help us in resisting Satan’s schemes.  Verses 13-17 paint a picture of a suit of armor, like one that a soldier would wear into battle.  Each piece of armor represents a gift, given to believers by God, that will help to keep us safe in the battle against Satan.  All together, the pieces of armor form a complete suit to keep us, the soldier, safe.  One of those pieces of armor is the “Belt of Truth”.

Now let’s back up a little bit.

Before you can speak God’s truth, you must know God’s truth.  So how do you get God’s truth?  From God!

To find out what exactly is encompassed in this gift of “truth”, you can pray, read the bible, and simply spend time with God.  Other ideas are to read literature by known and trusted Christian authors, listen to sermons by known and trusted Christian speakers, and spend time with other Christians.  However, nothing can beat going straight to the source and spending time with God, and in His word.

Once the truth is in you, it becomes easier to discern when your thoughts and feelings aren’t matching up with it and then you can speak against it.

When you speak truth, multiple things happen.

It encourages you.  It reminds you of who God is and how great His power is.  I feel that I “stand up just a little bit straighter” after I’ve spoken truth into my life.  It gives me a godly confidence.

It discourages Satan.  It shows him that you are not easily swayed.  It’s like saying “I’m choosing to continue believing God, no matter what.  So There!”

Speaking God’s truths is powerful.  It’s us, actively agreeing with God.  So do it.  Learn it, know it, speak it.

This lesson has been one of the most important for me as I learn to live with anxiety and depression.  It’s empowered me and helped me not to feel so helpless.  While I may actually be pretty helpless and weak, I have the spirit of God within me and God is not at all helpless or weak.  God is my help, and this is one active way that I can unleash His power in my life.—And you can too.

Thank You, God. 

“Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth….” Ephesians 6:14

Normally, I am a very logical, practical person. Sometimes too much (sometimes it’s good and healthy to be impractical). If what I’m doing or thinking isn’t bringing about a positive change, then I see no point in doing it. And I don’t….. Usually. People who have a brain that doesn’t work the same way as mine, who spend time on things that are not (directly) bringing about positive change, confuse me, and I hate to admit it, often exasperate me.

 
Well, lately, I’ve been exasperating myself. I keep finding myself going round and round, obsessing about things in my mind, wasting time, and getting nowhere. It’s not productive but I have a VERY hard time letting things go, productive or not. I don’t like it.

 
I have a feeling it’s my anxiety manifesting itself in a new way. I have been mostly off of my Xanax for about 4 weeks now. I’ve had only a few experiences where I have felt a twinge of panicky-type feelings, and I’ve used various techniques to ward off the panic attack successfully. But this obsessive, not-being-able-to-let-go, round-and-round, unproductive, inefficient thinking is another thing. It’s really been quite challenging (and annoying) for me.

 
It took me awhile to identify that this was going on. And then awhile more to realize that I actually needed to do something to combat it because it wasn’t going away on its own. I’m still working this out, and would love your thoughts and suggestions.

 
The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 10:5 “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

 
These worrisome, stressful thoughts certainly go against what I know to be true about God. I must take them captive, relying on the authority given to me in Christ, and change them to thoughts that are in agreement with God. I will combat the unproductive, obsessive thinking with the truth: God is good. I can do whatever I need to do (Philippians 4:13). God is all-powerful (Job 36:22). God works all things together for my good (Romans 8:28). I need not fear (2 Timothy 1:7, Psalm 46:1-3, Psalm 56:11). I can trust God to handle things in the way that is best (Psalm 62:8, Isaiah 12:2, Isaiah 25:9, Daniel 6:23). He will give me grace for living each day ( 2 Peter 1:3).

These are (a few of) the truths about God that we can rely on.
Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God!”
This is the verse that God brought to my mind last night when my brain was unproductively going a million miles an hour trying to solve the problems of the world…or at least the perceived problems that were affecting me. I heard God softly calling me to be still, and trust Him. He will take care of me.
Do you ever have trouble quieting your mind? What helps you embrace God’s peace? Do you have a favorite truth about God that helps you when things are tough?
Blessings,    Nicki

I just came across something that I wrote almost exactly a year ago. I wasn’t into blogging so much back then so I wrote it in a facebook “Note”. But hardly anybody really reads facebook notes. As I re-read what I’d written, I was blessed, thinking about the journey God has brought me on, and continues to guide me through. I thought I’d post it here and maybe God will bless someone else with it too.

“Oh God, You are My God. And I will ever Praise You.”
by Nicole Willbrant on Monday, January 16, 2012 at 4:44pm ·

This morning I was listening online to last week’s sermon by Pastor Rex from Grace Fellowship Latham. During the worship they sang the song that goes,

“Oh, God, You are My God, and I will ever praise You.

I will seek You in the morning,

And I will learn to Walk in your ways,

And step by step You’ll lead me,

And I’ll follow you all of my days.”

As I was listening, I was transported back to the time when I first learned that song.

It was the summer. I must have about 9 years old or maybe slightly younger. And I was at Camp Casowasco. My first time at sleep away summer camp. It was a Methodist camp but at that time in my life, I really didn’t know much about God, just that I was supposed to go to church on Sundays. We sang songs around the campfire and went hiking, then I went home and life carried on as usual.

A couple years later I returned to Camp Casowasco around the age of 11. And again I remember singing, “Oh God, you are My God, and I will ever praise you…” Only this time I felt a slight stirring in my heart as I did so. As if something was awakening inside of me, although I didn’t know what it was. Little did I know as I sang about praising a God I barely knew, that the next few years of my life would be the hardest ones I’d faced so far, filled with illness, anxiety, depression, and shame. And through those times God would draw me near to him, even as I doubted, struggled, and pulled away. And He truly would teach me what it means to follow him.

It’s now been more than 15 years since I first sang about following, seeking, and praising God. I’ve been through many good times and hard times in those years. I had no idea as a little 9 year old, what was to come and how vitally important to my very survival the actions in that song would become. I would not be where I am today without God. And the heart’s cry heard in that song has become MY HEART’s cry. It’s no longer just a song to sing around the campfire but a God-given desire to live by. I NEED God’s step-by-step guidance, and in His goodness He gives it to me.

Last night, New Year’s Eve, I was thinking about my day today. I have the day off from work and my husband is working most of the day. Being the planner that I am, I was deciding what my “game plan” for today should be. In the end I decided that I wasn’t going to do anything (productive) today. I was going to sleep as late as I wanted, maybe watch some Dowton Abbey on Netflix, and relax. I figured I deserved a day off because I had already grocery shopped, cleaned the house, cooked, etc. over the weekend so this, New Year’s Day, was my “bonus day off.”There. I’d decided.

I woke up this morning when my husband was getting ready for work and, according to plan, promptly fell back asleep. I re-awoke at 11 and grabbed my cell phone off my bedside table and spent the next hour browsing facebook, “liking” all the “Happy New Year Posts”.

Around noon, I got out of bed and made myself an apple-bananna-spinach-berry-flax oil-coconut-turmeric smoothy. I ate my smoothy, then took a shower.

After my shower I had to decide if I was going to get dressed or put my pajamas back on. I opted for getting dressed. Although my PJ’s were more in line with my “do nothing” plan for today, I figured I’d just feel better if I had real clothes on.
After that, I made some tea, facebooked some more, posted some pictures….and noticed how dirty the floor was in the living room. Although I tried to ignore it for awhile, I eventually got up, grabbed the broom, and swept the living room….and then the kitchen too because I might as well do both since I had the broom out. I also picked up the shoes lying around the living room and made the bed.

Now, here I am, writing. I haven’t even turned on the TV yet and it’s almost 2pm. In the past 3 hours I’ve come to the conclusion that 100% “doing nothing” is NOT relaxing to me. If I did nothing productive all day long today, I’d be just as stressed out at the end of the day as if I had worked all day. If I worked all day, I’d be tired and craving rest. If I did nothing all day, I’d feel sluggish and unproductive, and would be really annoyed with the dirt I’d been looking at on the living room floor all day. Although I would be physically resting, my mind would be unsettled.

In order to have real rest, it must be balanced with productivity. Rest is not just an action of the body, but of the mind also.

Productivity gives me satisfaction, which is not a bad thing. It’s all a matter of balance, and purpose. Ideally, every day (or at least every week) would have some satisfying, productive activities, as well as some time of rest (other than sleeping at night.) The trouble comes when one side of the scales greatly outweighs the other, or when your rest and/or activities lack God-given purpose.

I’ve certainly experienced seasons in my life with not nearly enough rest. I believe that experience, for a prolonged period of time, played a large part in the occurrence of my anxiety attacks. On the other hand, I’ve also experienced somewhat “lazy” times in my life, and I think those times further encouraged my depression because I did not have work to feel proud of and I had no sense of accomplishment and purpose.

This attitude toward work and rest is affirmed in the book of Genesis. Genesis 2:2-3 tell us that God worked, and God rested.

“On the seventh day God had finished his work of creation, so he rested[a] from all his work. 3 And God blessed the seventh day and declared it holy, because it was the day when he rested from all his work of creation.”

Genesis 2:15 tells us that God gave man work to do. Genesis 2:15 happens prior to the “the fall” when things were still exactly as they should be in the world (work is a part of how things “should be”).

“The LORD God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to tend and watch over it.”

But God also tells us to “be still” in Psalm 46:10.

“Be still, and know that I am God!”

In order for us to keep a healthy prospective on our life and responsibilities, and to help us learn and affirm our trust in God, we must be able to truly rest and be still, while knowing (or perhaps learning in the process) that the world is not going to fall apart if we stop accomplishing things. God is the one who holds the whole world in his hands (Psalm 95:4), not us, though sometimes you would think otherwise based on our busy schedules and long lists of (perceived) responsibilities.

So, on this New Year’s Day, I feel good that I have accomplished a few things and now, I’m going to go heat up some left overs, and watch an episode or two of Downton Abbey.  I hope you all have a good day too.

Do you find it harder to rest or harder to get motivated? Maybe a little of both depending on the day? What tips, verses, quotes, etc. help you keep a purposeful, restful, productive, balanced life?

I was just sitting here, at 12:10 am on Christmas morning, feeling a little sad.  I felt like something was missing because here it is, 10 full minutes into the day that we celebrate our Savior’s birth, and I am only just now realizing that IT’S CHRISTMAS!!

It’s now officially the day we celebrate Jesus’ birth but there was no celebration, no music, no noise.  In fact, I think I was probably brushing my teeth when the clock struck midnight.  It seems like such an inadequate transition into such a special day.

But then I remembered how similar tonight is to how Jesus actually entered the world: As a baby, in a stable, sleeping in a manger.  Quietly.  Gently.  With out fanfare.

He could have paraded into the world in a golden chariot commanding the attention of every person.  That would have been an acceptable entrance for the son of God.  But he didn’t.  He came quietly, softly….. just like this Christmas 2012.

Today is a special day because Jesus’ birth was part of a very special story of redemption – OUR redemption.

Let’s take time today, no matter how extravagant or subdued our plans, to reflect on the gentle arrival of our Lord and the unmeasurable impact it has on our life today. (You can read the story of Jesus’ birth here.)

With all my heart I wish you a Merry Christmas.

-Nicki

I sat down to write a blog post about something other than thankfulness but it just didn’t seem right. I don’t want to write about thankfulness the day before Thanksgiving and risk having people think that the only reason I’m writing about being thankful is because it’s the day before Thanksgiving rather than because I actually am thankful.  Which I am.

But I’ve decided that it’s worth the risk.

Now, where should I start?

I truly am thankful for many things.  I know I have many things that others do not.  A home, a nice family, a job, nutritious food, etc.  Thinking of what I have in relation to what others have  might be a good way to get the ball rolling, but it’s only the tip of the iceberg.  What if God took all that away (or allowed for it to be taken away like Job)?  Would that mean that I can’t be thankful anymore?

No.  No matter what, I have one thing that can’t be taken from me: God.  The one and only living God of the Bible who sent His son to die for me and has filled me with His Spirit.  And if that is the ONLY thing I have, that alone is plenty to be thankful for.

It’s true.  And I pray that if I ever find myself without health, wealth, financial security, etc. that God will give me the wisdom and enlightenment to be thankful.

That being said, it’s almost overwhelming to think of all the hurt and pain and loss that others are having to walk through this very moment.  Somewhere, right now, someone just experienced the death of  their spouse/child/parent.  Someone just got evicted from their apartment or foreclosed on their house because they couldn’t pay the bills .  Someone just found out they have a life threatening illness.  Someone, is watching their child suffer from an illness that the doctors can’t figure out.  Someone just lost their job.  And on and on and on…

I thank God that He is Lord of everything.  I thank God that He is close to the brokenhearted and He upholds the helpless.  And I pray that He will give me the privilege of helping Him do so.

I’ve been thinking about this question a lot lately:

How do I live a successful and content life in a world that is not how it was meant to be?

Life in the garden before the fall was peaceful.  I’m pretty confident that Eve did not spend her days before the fall running from one end of the garden to the other (and then back again), frantically trying to finish up her to do list before Adam came home so hopefully they could spend a few minutes of quality time together before going to sleep and starting all over again the next day.  I’m pretty sure that she didn’t lie awake at night listening to the traffic outside or the tv in the other room and craving just a few moments of silence before she drifted off to sleep.  And I’m pretty sure she didn’t have to weigh out the costs and benefits of picking healthy but more costly food or less-costly but more unhealthy food, finally settling somewhere in the middle.  I’m sure she didn’t need a (big) calendar to keep her schedule straight or an alarm clock to startle her awake in the morning.

And looking throughout history, it seems that as time goes on we get farther and farther away from the way things were originally intended to be.  I get discouraged because I can feel the toll that this busy life is taking on me but there doesn’t seem to be any way around it.  I can feel the effects of chemical-ridden, preservative-rich, processed foods on my mind and body but I’m already doing the best I can.  There are so many things that seem to be “against” me and my well-being, threatening my health and my peace.

As I was thinking about this and reading my Bible the other night, I came across Psalm 55: 16-18:

But I will call on God, and the Lord will rescue me.  Morning, noon, and night I plead aloud in my distress, and the Lord hears my voice.  He rescues me and keeps me safe from the battle waged against me, even though many still oppose me.

The last part, “even though many still oppose me” is the most comforting part for me.  I can prioritize, and plan my schedule, and say “no” to tasks I’m not called to be a part of but it still always seems that every time I turn around there are more and more things calling for my time and my energy.  I plan my grocery list and do my best to eat healthy but I know my veggies from the grocery store just aren’t as nutritious as the ones Adam and Eve picked from the garden. And even though that may always be the case, God rescues me and keeps me safe.  His grace can cover my busy, 21st-century life and keep me whole and give me peace.

Thank You, God.

The name of the Lord is a strong fortress; the godly run in to Him and are safe.  Psalm 18:10