God is With Me

I am a Christian.  I have been since I was 16.  That’s about 10 years now.  Like all Christians, I have times of exciting growth in my spiritual life, as well as times of stagnation.  But I am always a Christian.  I always believe that God is good and God is in control.

So when panic came and made my life a frightening, overwhelming mess last year, I turned to God.  I asked Him to cure me.  To take away the anxiety.  To reduce the stress in my life.  To undo the damage my high-stress life had done to my body.  And to at least comfort me.

I read my Bible.  I prayed.  I read (and believed!) God’s promises of protection and provision for those who follow Him.  I believed that God would work all things together for good in the lives of those who love him.  But the panic stayed.  Day after day I was having severe panic attacks.  On one hand I did truly believe that nothing in this world could harm me because God was for me, not against me.  On the other I was fearful every day.  How can those two things coexist in one person?  I honestly don’t know, but they did.

Well-meaning Christians would talk about faith as if it was the magical antidote to make the panic go away.  And if I’d just increase my faith then I would see that there was nothing to fear and the attacks would go away.  Well, I already knew and believed there was nothing to fear.  And yet I did fear.  I did trust God, yet the attacks kept coming.

I knew God was there but I couldn’t see Him.  I seemed to be making no progress in the resolution of the panic attacks.  Life was getting more stressful because of them every day.  I had asked (and continued to ask) God to stop them and He didn’t.  I don’t know why.  I did believe, even in the midst of it all, that He had a plan for me.  I just didn’t know what it was and I was eager to get through this uncomfortable part of it.

So then, one night I was making the 45 minute drive home from a friend’s house, along dark winding country roads, with my husband in the passenger seat and I had  a panic attack.  I couldn’t pull over because the shoulder on the road was narrow, and with the sharp twists and turns someone would likely hit us.  My husband, who hadn’t experienced me experiencing a panic attack very often, must have thought I was possessed by the devil (just kidding, but I do think he thought I might be crazy).Finally, I pulled into the parking lot of a closed gas station.  I got out of the car and walked around and around the parking lot for a few minutes.  The panic subsided but every time I thought about getting back into the car, it came back.  It was probably 40 minutes, maybe more, before I could force myself back into the car and struggle the rest of the way home.

I was so frustrated.  I just didn’t know why things weren’t getting better.  Yes, I believed in God’s sovereignty but I couldn’t take much more of this.  As I drove home I considered dropping my husband off at the house and then driving myself to the ER because I didn’t feel like I could stand it anymore.  We stopped at another gas station when we were almost home to fill up our gas tank.  My husband got out to pump the gas.  And the radio station starting playing “Never Alone” by Barlow Girl.

Listen to it here:

Here are the lyrics:

“Never Alone”I waited for you today
But you didn’t show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You’d be there
And though I haven’t seen You
Are You still there?

[Chorus:]
I cried out with no reply
And I can’t feel You by my side
So I’ll hold tight to what I know
You’re here and I”m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can’t explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You’ve placed in my life

We cannot separate
‘Cause You’re part of me
And though You’re invisible
I’ll trust the unseen

[Chorus]

We cannot separate
You’re part of me
And though You’re invisible
I’ll trust the unseen

[Chorus]

As I listened, tears rolled down my face.  I knew God had sent me that song to let me know he was there, and he did hear me.  It was God’s way of telling me to continue holding on to His promises.  They are true, even when circumstances say otherwise.

On my radio station, although I do love them, they play the same great Christian songs over and over.  I had not heard them play this song at all in the four years I’ve been listening to them.  But they played it that night.  Right when I needed it.